10 Reasons I Should Be Dead.

1). When mum was just 2 months along with me, she got into an horrific car accident. A nurse who related her injuries to a doctor friend was told that such an early foetus would just naturally abort. Much to people's shock and dismay, however, I hung in there, plotting my future achievement of world domination. (Stage 1, Annoying the Entire Population, is already well underway. I started with my mother's recovery, as her pain medication was restricted due to her pregnancy, and I'm proud to say that I've been giving her a headache ever since.)
2). My older sister was not so pleased that I made it and sat on my head in protest. She herself was only 1 and a half at the time, so there's no need to beat her up for my sake. A few empty death threats will suffice.
3). When I was around 3, some older girls said it would be funny if I ran out on the road in front of cars. Sounded good to me. The first driver was very unimpressed, but decided not to kill me. She stopped  her car and flew out in a rage, asking if I understood the dangers. "You could have been strawberry jam! They'd have to scrape you off the road!" I was very intrigued by the image of becoming jam and getting scooped up by a giant eggflip, but decided to save my death for the less predictable future. Maybe I could become a Curly Wurly, somehow.
4). My sis and I got into strife one day when dad left us alone in the car while he ran into a mate's house. We hopped into the front seats to watch the clouds roll by through the windscreen, quickly noting the optical illusion that the car itself was moving. Due to our having knocked the gearstick climbing over, however, we finally realised this was no illusion. As the car rolled very slowly toward a gate (behind which barked a Doberman, hungry for little girls) we stayed in the car, screaming in our wait for the gentle collision which we knew would spark a movie-style explosion. We'd be forced to drag our charred bodies from the vehicle (against our father's instruction!) and live out our final moments as dog food. Luckily, Dad heard our cries and liked us (or his car, at least) enough to prevent this meaty fate.
5). Horses have occasionally tried to kill me. We had a very arrogant bay, Casey, who was above being ridden. Every time I'd trot him down the hill, he'd pigroot back to the top and drag me under the low-hanging cypress trees, trying to scrape me off his back.
We also horse-sat an evil little mare who repeatedly threw me off in one riding session. (Luckily, she was almost classed as a pony, so there wasn't far to fall. I was still tough, though, dammit!) After perhaps my 3rd time eating dirt, I decided my mother's literal policy of 'always getting back on the horse' could go to hell. Mum was so insistent with this rule that she once tried to enforce it with my teary sister, before it was pointed out that Bec's bone was sticking out of her arm! She did feel guilty over that one, though. A little.
6). One time, a giant anvil fell on my head. (There may be some phony reasons in this list. See if you can spot them!)
7). At the age of 10, my friend and I found a black snake near my house. Quickly weighing up the sensible options, we went with putting it in a bucket and frightening our mothers. Whereas my friend's mum was furious, mine was oddly unfazed. She never did seem to mind me playing in the long grass.. In fact, she'd sometimes cover me in honey and leave me in the forest, but I always followed those darned breadcrumbs back home.
8). When my mother left me home alone one day (needing more proof that I shouldn't be left to my own devices), I realised that if I climbed the wood pile and gave myself one final boost of strength, I could get on top of the shed. I grew quickly bored once up there, however, and realised that there was no gentle version of a 'boost' with which to get back down. So, like all intelligent folk, I jumped off. It hurt a lot, but, "Ta-da!" No death!
9). I have almost died of embarrassment on many occasions. And laughed my head off. Literally.
10). Ninjas.

In light of all these stories, and the fact I've never broken any bones, I hope you've reached the only logical conclusion: I am a superhero and should not be messed with. Stayed tuned and submissive for my world domination.